Home Parenting Children by Age 3 Year Olds Reasoning with an Unreasonable Toddler

If you look at all behavior as communication, ask yourself, 'What is my child trying to tell me?'
— Elaine Hall and Diane Isaacs, co-authors of "Seven Keys to Unlock Autism: Making Miracles in the Classroom"

Toddler behavior can be much like that saying about New England weather: If you don't like it, wait a minute, and it will change. With all the joy your child brings with his ever-evolving opinions, words and actions, there also comes a flip side: learning to deal with “no.” Though your toddler can bring extreme joy to you as he begins to explore and learn about the world, those same developmental milestones can easily mean deep frustration -- for both you and your child. Learning what to expect and ways to cope can help both parties.

What's Common

Toddlers will exhibit a wide ranges of behaviors, most of which are normal. (photo: Comstock/Comstock/Getty Images)

When a cooing baby turns into a whining toddler, parents can find themselves questioning what behavior is normal, since it often seems the child has transformed into a completely different person. The good news is that toddlers -- children 1 to 3 years old -- exhibit a wide range of behavior that is classified as normal. Hitting, biting, refusal to share, and even full-blown tantrums can be part of a typical day in the life a healthy toddler.

While parents might interpret these displays as poor behavior, however, many so-called "negative" actions stem from frustration and a child's growing abilities to communicate and make his feelings known. In addition to being part of normal development, these moments actually present opportunities for learning and growth, say Elaine Hall and Diane Isaacs, co-authors of "Seven Keys to Unlock Autism: Making Miracles in the Classroom." By reacting appropriately, parents have the ability to help the child understand why he is feeling a certain way, and find positive ways to express those feelings.

Beyond the Norm

• Although there is a wide range of "normal" in toddler behavior, a child's actions may extend beyond that range. A parent may have a hunch that something else is going on, but often behavior that lies outside "the norm" is undetected until preschool, says Monique Taylor, an early education expert with more than 30 years of Montessori experience. "A main indicator that something may be wrong is if certain conduct affects family dynamics," Taylor notes. To that end, here are some signals to be on the look out for:

• If your child exhibits excessively hyperactive behavior to the point that it disrupts classroom or home life, it may signal something deeper. Speak with your child's teacher or caregiver to create a plan to help focus and support your child. A person in either of those positions who feels the child's behavior is beyond her expertise might have a list of specialty resources you can consult.

• Hitting with the intention to harm rather than out of frustration may be a sign that you need to ask for help. If your child is causing physical harm to himself or a sibling, consult your pediatrician. Some behavior might be a result of a psychological or physical disorder.

• Watch for expressions of extreme rigidity in play. For example, although some children prefer order, a child's excessive concern that toys are not arranged properly might suggest the need to seek the help of a child psychologist or a play therapist.

Understanding the Behavior

Toddlers are testing boundaries constantly as a way of navigating the world. Acting out is not just a way for them to express new, and sometimes conflicting, feeling; it also is a child's way of finding out what is acceptable. Finding out why your child is acting out not only helps you react properly, but can also do wonders for your peace of mind.

A toddler's emerging sense of independence does not always work hand-in-hand with her verbal ability and emotional maturity. Rather than reacting and giving into your own frustration, Hall and Isaacs say, "If you look at all behavior as communication, ask yourself, 'What is my child trying to tell me?'" Since toddlers are still developing language skills, "voicing their feelings without reacting can be extremely helpful. Saying 'Wow! You are mad that you can’t have that cookie right now!' helps your child to understand the emotions that are in their bodies and helps them learn the words to express how they feel."

How to Deal

Try and find your own sense of calm before dealing with unwanted behavior. (photo: Jupiterimages/Comstock/Getty Images)

Understanding the behavior does not mean you accept it. In fact, quite the opposite can be true. Figuring out why your child is behaving a certain way can give both you and your child tools to cope.

Set reasonable boundaries and clear consequences. By doing so -- and by not giving in to a tantrum -- you teach the child that certain behavior is unacceptable and does not result in getting his way. This translates into a world that makes sense to a child and fosters a sense of safety and consistency.

Hall and Isaacs recommend finding your own sense of calm before dealing with the situation. Accept your child for who he is individually and where he is developmentally. If he acts out in public, don't react; rather, remove him and deal with it privately, calmly and sternly. For example, if your child hits another child, take your child aside and explain that hitting is not acceptable. Teach empathy by giving attention to the other child and asking if she is all right. This may minimize the effect of the unacceptable behavior.

Realize that while rules and structure are good, there will be times when they don't work the way you had hoped. For example, if your child is getting sick, consequences that normally work may have no helpful effect. In order for your rules to work, they must be appropriate. If you bring your toddler who has not napped to the grocery store at dinner time, you should not be surprised if he behaves inappropriately.

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