As much as having a child can bring a couple together, the trials of parenting also have the potential of pulling them apart.— Loren Buckner, LCSW, psychotherapist and author of "ParentWise"
The days, weeks and months after you bring home baby can seem like a blur. You and your partner are settling in and settling down. As you go from two to three (or more!), your focus is on family bonding. But what happens to the relationship between you and your partner when the exhaustion of taking care of a baby sets in, and date nights become a thing of the past?
Baby Makes Three
Deciding to get pregnant -- and then becoming pregnant -- can be a thrilling ride for a couple. Expectant parents often feel a special bond in sharing their secret. As the pregnancy progresses, a mother often feels support through frequent questions, offered help and baby showers. However, a dramatic shift occurs when a couple brings the baby home.
The focus moves from the expectant mother to the infant. That shift can bring on a range of emotions for both parents. Loren Buckner, a licensed psychotherapist and author of "ParentWise: The Emotional Challenges of Family Life and How to Deal With Them," says the family begins making minor adjustments from the moment the baby comes home.
"The constant care of a newborn puts a distinctive strain on them," she said. "As much as having a child can bring a couple together, the trials of parenting also have the potential of pulling them apart."
New Roles, New Emotions
As soon as the baby is born, "wife" and "husband" become "mother" and "father." What's important is that a couple realizes the two are not mutually exclusive. In the early days, a mother will often take charge, leading the direction on how and when to feed, change and bathe the baby. This new role is a complex one; while rewarding, motherhood can feel all-encompassing.
At the same time, the father is thrust into a new role, but can feel excluded and uncertain about how to participate. Buckner says it isn't uncommon for a father to feel that his wife has plenty of time for the new baby, but none for him. She suggests resisting blame and criticism in this case, and rather, working on learning to talk about the new feelings. This will, in turn, help you to better understand yourself -- and each other.
What Happened to the Time?
Another common challenge with new parents is the feeling that there isn't enough time for, well, anything. It can seem that everything is put on the back burner while the baby comes first.
Licensed family therapist Lesli M. W. Doares explains that it's a danger when couples start distancing themselves from each other because they can continue to do so until there is little connection left. It's imperative for couples to carve out time for each other, she says. This time may be as simple as having a cup of coffee together while the baby sleeps or setting aside a specific evening for date night.
Buckner suggests that sharing responsibilities can also benefit a couple, but cautions against keeping track of who did what. Rather, she says both partners must realize they share the common goal of a family relationship and family, and this is what must be done to accomplish it. If one person can wash all the bottles, it's one less thing the other has to do, creating more time to spend together.
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